JOIN BLOGZARRO’S FANTASY BASEBALL LEAGUE NOW!

Fantasy baseball season is here and Blogzarro is joining the fun. Of course, we’re going to do things in a Bizarro fashion. So the Blogzarro Ball League will reward failure, bad play, and general crapiness. Think the New York Mets in September 2007. Hit a home run and points are deducted, blow a save and receive points. God forbid you pitch a perfect game (-100 points). But lose on a regular basis and you’ll be Blogzarro Ball champ in the end. That’s how we play in Blogzarro Land.

The league is open to anyone who wants to join.

There will be only 12 teams, but we’ll make room for more depending on the response. Once all the teams have joined, players will be auto-picked.

In order to join the league, follow the link below, click the “Sign Up Now” or “Get Another Team” button and follow the links to “Join a Custom League.” When prompted, enter the League ID# and password below.

Join Here: http://baseball.fantasysports.yahoo.com
Password: htrea
League ID#: 232084

Comic books are neither comics nor books. Discuss.

Spider-Man is neither a spider nor a man. Discuss.

The Lone Ranger was neither lone nor a ranger. Discuss.

Jellyfish are neither jelly nor fish. Discuss.

Did you hear about the B-2 stealth bomber that crashed in Guam the other day? I guess they didn’t see that coming. [Insert laughter here]

I was just thinking about how the Denzel Washington movie “The Great Debaters” flopped at the box office. Don’t you think it would have done better if it was called “The Master Debaters”?

FAT PEOPLE

• Attention, fat people: you’re not fooling anyone by wearing black…. We know you’re fat. “Hey, is that a fat guy?” “I can’t tell. His black clothing is blending into the ether.” If you don’t want to look fat, lose weight.
• Never follow a fat man carrying the Sunday Times into the bathroom.

PORN

• Occasionally masturbate with your left hand. There are three bonuses: 1) It’ll feel like you’re getting a handjob from a stranger. 2) You could become ambidextrous. 3) It’ll free your dominant hand for the mouse.
• If you don’t have cable porn, try the Spanish channels. They have gotten me through some really rough patches.

POLITENESS

• Never ask someone how he’s doing if you think he might tell you how he’s doing.
• Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. Be a man and look him in the eye!

HOUSE CLEANING TIME-SAVERS

• Get carpets the color of dust.
• Eat everything on napkins over your kitchen sink.
• If you’re patient, the Environmental Protection Agency will clean it up.
• Get a wife.

Why is the traditional color of briefs white? It seems to me that white is an unforgiving color for material that rubs against your ass.

While I was growing up in the ’70s ans ’80s, we all wore white briefs. I think it psychologically damaged me.

• Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Face it, you’re fucking damned.
• Never look a gift horse in the mouth after it’s eaten an Oreo cookie.
• Spare the rod, spoil a potentially exhilarating evening.
• Don’t bite off more than you can chew unless someone else is paying the bill.
• Don’t cry over spilt milk. Get even!
• If you can’t beat ‘em, make up vicious lies about ‘em.
• It’s better to give a shit than to take a shit.
• History repeats itself, so don’t worry if you missed it the first time.
• Judge not, lest ye be judged. Unless you’re a judge.
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, I’m coming to your fucking house with a baseball bat. Enough with the damn fooling already!

I think I just witnessed an insect suicide.

Every night, as I work on my computer — yes, work — out of the corner of my eye, I watch this tiny football-shaped bug crawl up the wall. He comes out at the same time, about 2 a.m., and at the same location, right behind my pen and pencil holder (for the sake of this story, let’s assume it’s the same bug). I’ve been known to go to extremes — busting lamps, hurling shoes, spraying Lysol, jumping up and down like a man on fire — to kill an insect. If he was one of those creepy-crawlies with a thousand hair-like legs, he would have been bug paste long ago. But he’s small enough and harmless enough that I leave him alone. In his persistence and consistency, he’s rather endearing. All of this makes tonight’s event so much more tragic. About an hour ago, I watched him again trudging up my wall, toward the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” movie poster. All seemed right — then, without warning, he plunged to his death*. It truly looked like he leaped, as he kind of suddenly popped off the wall by about an inch, hurtling to the doom below. Bugs, in my experience, usually have sure footing, so I must call this what it is: an insecticide. Let it be known to the bug population that this is one insect death in my apartment that I had nothing to do with — whatever mental anguish afflicted upon him by the things he witnessed in my room notwithstanding, of course.

(* I say this really for dramatic effect. Bugs, in my experience, are pretty resilient, and tomorrow night I might see my tiny roommate again. God willing.)

Have you ever heard this, the worst advice in history: Live every day like it’s your last? Imagine that. I know that if I lived every day like it was my last, it wouldn’t last more than one day.

Here’s my itinerary for the last day of my life:

• Wake up.
• Quit my job.
• Confess to crimes I didn’t commit. “Oh, that unsolved double murder in the park last summer? That was me.”
• Eat four dozen Boston creme donuts.
• Vomit.
• Eat another four dozen Boston creme donuts.
• Empty out my bank account. Buy as much porn as I can afford. Watch all the porn.
• Burn all my credit card bills.
• Head over to the White House. Urinate on President Bush.
• Kill some people I don’t like.
• Write my will. Nah, screw that. Let relatives fight battle-royale style for my possessions.
• Finally try one of those hot dogs at 7-Eleven. What would I have to lose at this point?
• Wait for the authorities to pick me up. Or wait to die. Whatever comes first.

The moral: If you have only one day left to live, take advantage of it.

• Revenge is the best revenge.
• The fastest way to get from Point A to Point B is getting someone else to take you.
• Breasts demand attention.
• Ugly people are just beautiful people with horrible facial disfigurements.
• Smart people are just dumb people with better vocabularies.
• People shouldn’t be judged by the color of their skin, but by the size of their breasts, or their lack of breasts.
• The truth is a lie that hasn’t been discovered yet.
• There is more than one way to skin a cat, but only one way to kick it.